Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

We begin today’s half-arsed round-up with Monday’s news that some lucky punter has parted with £230 in exchange for a 31 year-old piece of toast. The delicious memento was left over from Prince Charles’s breakfast on the day that he married Princess Diana, who is now dead. In a statement the unknown buyer said that he had not known it was royal toast when he bid for it, he had just visited Little Chef earlier that day and by comparison the royal leftovers seemed like a freshly made bargain. The news came as rumours broke that Princess Diana’s wedding day stool is to be put up for auction next month. The Princess’s butler Paul Burrell fished it out of the toilet after he had wiped the royal arse, and has been keeping it in the salad drawer of his fridge ever since.

Prick

Monday also saw reports that London’s pavements have been spontaneously combusting, leaving several people seriously injured. It is thought that the capital’s long-suffering taxi drivers are to blame for the incidents, and they are planning to blow up every inch of London’s walkways, forcing the public to take cabs everywhere.

Since being rejected by Team GB boss Stuart Pearce, David Beckham has been twiddling his thumbs trying to think of ways to entertain himself. This week he was so bored that he drove down to the Westfield shopping centre in Stratford in his grey 2002 Vauxhall Astra, where he proceed to scare the living shit out of a small boy posing for a photograph with his mother. Security was eventually called and Beckham was escorted from the premises after being forced to pay for the upset youngster and his mother to have their picture taken again, having ruined the first one. 

Beckham leaving the scene on Wednesday

Gary Lineker’s son caused outrage this week when he Twittered some sexist remarks about women footballers. ‘These birds trying to play football is makin me lose the will to live,’ he Twatted in exasperation while watching Team GB beat New Zealand on Wednesday. The remark drew countless abusive messages in reply, largely from miserable old cows who had run out of things to nag their husbands about. And were probably on the blob. However, he eloquently retorted

‘Its my twitter, I tweet wat I like and u choose 2 follow me so dont give me agg about wat I write on here or ill hav a dig If u look special.’

Gary Lineker was said to be delighted yesterday with the results of George’s £25,000 a year education.

And finally, Culture Secretary Jeremy Hunt’s bell end went off in a passing woman’s face in central London today.