Friday, 20 July 2012

Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

We start today’s news round-up with the shocking revelation that London’s streets are strewn with doggy-do. But Sutton Council has no intention of taking shit from anybody, and announced at the beginning of the week that it has decided to hit back at acts of canine-produced street defacement – with graffiti. Last month a multi-pound contract was drawn up with enigmatic urban regeneration enthusiast Banksy to daub the borough’s streets with his anti-poo designs. Recent reports, however, have indicated that the pavement based admonishments are having a limited effect due to their being largely obscured by thick layers of excrement.

Man's best friend earlier today

But it seems that graffiti is not always viewed favourably by the law. On Tuesday, members of the British Transport Police took a day off from doing whatever it is they do to arrest professional graffitist Darren Cullen. He was just one of four men arrested on suspicion of conspiracy to commit criminal damage, and who were subsequently banned from being within one mile of any of the Olympic venues. I have it on good authority that McDonalds has it written into its sponsorship deal that it must be the sole perpetrator of paint-based vandalism at London 2012.

In more positive news, the Duchess of Cambridge dropped in on the oldest torchbearer to hoist aloft the Olympic flame yesterday. Holding her handkerchief to her nose in an effort to obstruct the smell of piss and biscuits, the emaciated royal listened for over a minute as Diana Gould, 100, told her of her plans to visit Rumbelows to purchase a new radiogram on which to listen to the Olympic action.

Talking of Twitter, this week it was announced that popular musicians, including wild-haired, caterpillar-eyebrowed, warbler Paloma Faith, are to donate their Twitter profiles in an anti-riot campaign. The idea is to encourage young people to write positive messages and upload them onto their favourite stars’ twitter profiles, but an insider at Riot UK informed me, as I chewed thoughtfully on a vitamin C tablet, that they will be using the high profile tweets in order to coordinate this year’s riots should BB Messenger be disabled again. Good thinking. However, in a statement yesterday, Paloma Faith said “Rioting is not cool, okay guys,” before adding, “Look at how quirky I am everyone. Look! Quirky!”

"And don't do no drugs neither"

And finally, some groundbreaking news: plans have been put in place that will spell post delivery changes in East Ham and Plaistow. Apparently a slight operational modification in the way that post will be delivered will mean that residents may get their massively overdue, tampered with and damaged post at different times to usual, if, of course,  at all. The small number of residents who do not read this blog will be informed in due course, as Royal Mail is “writing to every home and business in East Ham and Plaistow about the changes.” Hmm.

Rest assured, London, if there are any further developments on this gripping story I’ll be sure to keep you informed next week. For now though, try to have a good weekend.      

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