Olympic update 6: Olympic Flame Survives Idiots Thus Far

On Monday night, in some kind of post-modern, reality-bending nightmare, the Olympic torch visited happy-go-lucky, feel-good sitcom, EastEnders during a live feed. As viewers gawped on, Perry Fenwick, who plays lovable fuckwit Billy Mitchell, trotted the flame around Albert Square, past such landmarks as the Minute Mart, The Queen Victoria, the Argy Bhagi and the launderette where Patrick Truman’s undercrackers are washed. This, I am sure, was exactly what Prometheus had in mind when he stole fire from Zeus.

Brainless Billy and witless friend accidentally set light to Olympic banner

Although the Olympic flame itself is, among other things, a custom taken from ancient Greece, the first Olympic torch relay was introduced by that much-maligned combustion enthusiast Hitler. But even he could have no conception of the dark forces into whose hands the torch would fall 76 years later. 

The torch is the one in the middle

There have been some deserving bearers of the flame though, including selfless charity fundraiser Ray Oxlade; mother of murdered schoolboy, Steven, and anti-hate crime campaigner Doreen Lawrence; disabled teenager and hospice ambassador Alex Jordan and of course Will i am. But the most deserving of all surly must be the directors and influential clients of the Olympic corporate sponsors. After all, the Olympic mafia organisers did promise the nation that it had tracked down “8,000 truly inspirational people from the UK” to carry the flame, and who could be more influential than the puppet masters of consumerism?

The relay hasn’t all gone to plan though. Last Friday a crazed teenager ran out from the crowd and tried to grab the Olympic torch from the bearer while shouting “Allah is great”. It is still unclear who this ‘Allah’ is that the miscreant is so keen on and why he is apparently so great.

Olympic security had to step in on a previous occasion when a malevolent youngster attempted to maliciously ride his BMX bike on a public road. Thankfully, the youth was wrenched from his bike and thrown forcefully to the ground before he could disrupt proceedings any more than he nearly had done.

Britain’s encroaching teens and Billy Mitchell notwithstanding, the torch has nearly made it to the end of its journey, where it will light the Olympic cauldron in East London on Friday evening. It has even survived a trip on the tube. Thankfully, though, it didn't have to travel on the Bakerloo Line.