Foul-Mouthed Gentleman Londoner Wins Big Bicycle Race

Tears of joy flowed among the British cycling community this weekend as Londoner Bradley Wiggins became the first British man to win the Tour de France – or Tour of France, to give it the English translation – in its one hundred and nine year history. The sumptuously sideburned supremo romped to victory after spending three weeks pedalling his bicycle faster than the other bicycle riders against whom he was racing. 

Technology has come on leaps and bounds since 1977's Tour de France

But fashion has evidently remained fairly static

 

Wiggo, as he is known to his loyal army of fans (presumably a derivative of the name Wiggins and not a reference to his distinctive, slightly disjointed-looking hair do), not only managed to win Le Tour (The Tour) but won the hearts of French fans and his fellow pedallists when he deliberately slowed the race when disaster struck his rivals during stage 14. This sportsman-like behaviour earned him the moniker ‘Le Gentleman Wiggins’ (The Gentleman Wiggins) among the French.

And The Gentleman’s views on performance enhancing drugs are nothing short of genteel. In a sport in which it is considered positively incompetent to forget to take your pre-race uppers, downers and all-arounders, Wiggo fails to bow to peer pressure, attributing his abstinence to being British.

“There is a different culture in British cycling. Britain is a country where doping is not morally acceptable.”

Elaborating on this point he goes on to say:

“I don't care what people say, the attitude to doping in the UK is different to in Italy or France maybe, where a rider like Richard Virenque can dope, be caught, be banned, come back and be a national hero.”

So there you have it from The Gentleman himself: the British are clean-living, honest winners, while Jonny Foreigner is, as we all suspected, a filthy, cheating, lying, drug-addled devil-worshipper. And greasy. 

However, even the modish paragon of virtue has occasionally behaved in a manner more befitting someone not of British descent, particularly with regards to his use of naughty language. 

"Bum, undergarments and boobies"

 

But what are a few four-letter words when you are as dopeless, honourable, humble, big of heart and strong of leg, as our new national hero?

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you the future Sir Bradley Wiggo ‘The Gentleman’ Wiggins. A true Londoner through and through (despite being born in Belgium, spending most of his time abroad and now living in Lancashire) of whom all Londoners can be thoroughly proud.