Wednesday, 18 July 2012

London Parklife Under attack

It has been brought to my attention by a police insider that, in addition to the Olympics, there is a new and unanticipated scourge in London: CRIME. And while we London residents have all come to expect the odd bit of charmingly cheeky light-fingery on the streets of London’s East End, as we pop down the market to purchase some apples and pears or take a stroll to the local pub to have our heads kicked in, we are completely unprepared for criminals secreting themselves in our royal parks. It seems, however, that park-based crime has been on the increase for several years; in 2005 916 crimes were reported, and this rose to an incredible 2,373 last year, which is a much larger number. Scotland Yard, whose responsibility it is to police the parks, has attributed the huge increase in crime to ‘more proactive policing and better detection of criminals.’ Okay, but while all this proactive policing and expert detection is undoubtedly producing results, is anything actually being done to lower park crime?


Lackadaisical police officers in Regents Park yesterday

Worryingly though, it appears that the park loving public have had enough, and are beginning to take matters into their own hands. Last night, an audacious criminal posing as stringy, aging, pop slapper, Madonna, 64, attempted to hoodwink thousands of fans by staging a bogus concert in Hyde Park. But when disappointed fans saw through the talentless imposter’s faƧade there were ugly scenes as many of them decided to express their disgust and boredom by calmly walking out. The phoney songstress then attempted to prevent their escape by wildly brandishing a firearm while baring a large proportion of her breasts, but this did not deter would-be revellers from boarding the number 38 bus home.

"Don't go, I'll sing Vogue"

Another daring feat of public park misconduct took place on Saturday night, when a filthy little man wearing a leather jacket jumped up onto the stage in Hyde Park and proceeded bore the shit out of horrified onlookers by droning huskily into a discarded microphone for over three hours. Near the end of the lengthy gravelly nightmare, Sir Paul McCartney, who just happened to be passing by on his return from the late night butcher on Hyde Park Corner, climbed onto the stage and made an unsuccessful attempt to wrestle the miscreant to the ground while singing Twist and Shout. It was only the quick thinking of a bystander, who courageously leapt into the fray and unplugged the microphone, that put an end to the whole grisly mess.    

This Just In: My insider informative source informs me that a top secret operation will be launched next week that will unleash a new squad of highly-trained officers assigned the task of patrolling every nook and cranny of London’s parks, and pushing crime back onto the streets where it belongs.

One of the new park protection officers prepares for action earlier today

Yes indeed London, I think we can all sleep a little easier in our beds tonight.


  1. Hello Ratty
    Just found your blog link via the guardian comments page. Very good itis too.
    Keep up the good work


  2. Thanks Stuart. If you have any friends who also like to waste their time reading the nonsensical musings of a tedious rodent be sure to direct them here.