|Lackadaisical police officers in Regents Park yesterday|
Worryingly though, it appears that the park loving public have had enough, and are beginning to take matters into their own hands. Last night, an audacious criminal posing as stringy, aging, pop slapper, Madonna, 64, attempted to hoodwink thousands of fans by staging a bogus concert in Hyde Park. But when disappointed fans saw through the talentless imposter’s façade there were ugly scenes as many of them decided to express their disgust and boredom by calmly walking out. The phoney songstress then attempted to prevent their escape by wildly brandishing a firearm while baring a large proportion of her breasts, but this did not deter would-be revellers from boarding the number 38 bus home.
|"Don't go, I'll sing Vogue"|
Another daring feat of public park misconduct took place on Saturday night, when a filthy little man wearing a leather jacket jumped up onto the stage in Hyde Park and proceeded bore the shit out of horrified onlookers by droning huskily into a discarded microphone for over three hours. Near the end of the lengthy gravelly nightmare, Sir Paul McCartney, who just happened to be passing by on his return from the late night butcher on Hyde Park Corner, climbed onto the stage and made an unsuccessful attempt to wrestle the miscreant to the ground while singing Twist and Shout. It was only the quick thinking of a bystander, who courageously leapt into the fray and unplugged the microphone, that put an end to the whole grisly mess.
This Just In: My insider informative source informs me that a top secret operation will be launched next week that will unleash a new squad of highly-trained officers assigned the task of patrolling every nook and cranny of London’s parks, and pushing crime back onto the streets where it belongs.
|One of the new park protection officers prepares for action earlier today|
Yes indeed London, I think we can all sleep a little easier in our beds tonight.