Olympic Update 2: David Beckham’s Mystery Roles

There was nationwide disappointment last week as Great Britain’s football team manager Stuart Pearce announced that peculiarly bearded national lifestyle icon David Beckham, despite being a champion of the London Olympics, will not have the opportunity to become Olympic champion. When Pearce announced that Beckham, 48, would not be included in the Olympic squad due to there being younger, fitter and more traditionally facially-haired players on offer, a predictable outcry from qualified experts all over the country ensued. For instance, The Sun declared that over 78 per cent of its readers said that Stuart Pearce was WRONG to drop the former England captain. One reader went so far as to say "Shame on Pearce. This is a disgraceful decision. I was looking forward to the football and see Beckham play for GB” before adding “And where the hell is Gascoigne on the team sheet? I like him too,” in my mind.

 (A Sun reader yesterday)

But the country’s great thinkers can rest a little easier, as it appears that 1980s Olympic legend and former Tory twat Lord Sebastian Coe has big plans for Becks. The Evening Standard reports that Coe has in mind “two very clear roles” for the future king, but is keeping his Conservative lips tightly buttoned as to what these roles will be. It appears that among the reasons for this closely guarded secrecy is that he doesn’t actually know himself. In an earlier statement concerning Sir Becks, Coe wibbled that

"We are scoping a role for him at the moment. I actually spoke to him over the course of the weekend. We're working on it, but you'll have to watch this space."

 (Coe: clueless)

I don’t mind admitting that I’m struggling to swallow my daily vitamin C tablet with anticipation, such is the intensity with which I’m watching this space. It seems that it will remain a secret for a while as Coe scratches his sensible quiff and tries to come up with a job that will keep His Highness and the country as whole happy, in much the same way as a kids’ football manager puzzles over what to do with the assistant coach’s fat child. 

 (Beckham: likes Olympics)

In my humble opinion we should stop at nothing to engage Beckham on a sporting level at the London Olympics. I believe that we should introduce additional events to the London Olympics in order to give him a chance to compete at the top level without the restraints of his advancing years and retreating ability holding him back. One quintessentially British pass-time in which Beckam could excel is Pooh Sticks. Now, I do not intend to make an obvious gag regarding our hero mistakenly throwing his diminutive wife over a bridge into the river during this event because that kind of cheep and easy humour is something only your mum would find funny. Your mum who is a tramp.

But if chucking wood into running water proves too challenging for Dave Beck, I think I have stumbled upon the perfect solution: how about sniffing snuff?   

 (Mmm...snuff)

If the athlete above is anything to go by I think it can be assumed that Dave’s flamboyant facial fluff could be advantageous to him in that it will absorb a large quantity of the nasally enjoyed tobacco before it even reaches his Olympic standard nose.

If not, what about darts? Anyone can do that, right?