As the G4S staffing hiccup continues to be addressed, an accommodation crisis is unfolding that puts the so-called plight of the London Olympics cleaners firmly in the shade. I can reveal that soldiers drafted in to cover the shortfall in security are being forced to set up camp in Hainault. Many of the troops, who have previously been posted to Afghanistan and Iraq, have never encountered such horrific conditions. “I have never encountered such horrific conditions,” one soldier told me earlier today, wiping a tear from his eye with a picture of his wife and children. A close friend of the army tells me that there is already dissent in the ranks as soldiers are breaking down amid scenes of mass dog walking, church fetes and scout jamborees. Two soldiers went missing while out on patrol this morning, and it is thought that they were confronted by hostile locals. Their camera was found a mile from the camp with just one picture on it:
Terrifying stuff. Thankfully it is not just our troops who are being made to endure appalling living conditions, foreigners are too. Earlier this month, due to some kind of terrible misunderstanding, the Rwandan Olympic team were mistakenly assigned a training camp in Bury St Edmunds, winner of the 2002 Arse End of Nowhere Award. Quite why the hapless athletes were dropped in a minuscule hamlet nearly eight hundred and thirty miles from London is a mystery that may never be solved, since no one in the Olympic
mafia Committee is willing to admit liability for the potentially explosive human rights blunder. Needless to say, 27 year-old Rwandan distance runner Robert Kajuga is livid. He has told the Telegraph, in not so many words, that whenever he leaves the camp to go for a run he cannot avoid encountering slack-jawed yokels in dungarees who have never seen anyone from outside of their tiny pocket of Suffolk, never mind bred with them.
|The Mayor of Bury St Edmunds earlier today|
Speaking of the past horrors of his native Rwanda, Kajuga explained, “In the past we have genocide. Now we have unity.” But the miserable atrocities that he saw in his native land did nothing to prepare him for what he was to encounter in Bury St Edmunds.
“The potatoes. They change the potatoes into, like porridge. Puréed. In our country, we just cook potatoes. We don’t do that.”
We can only hope that Kajuga and his team mates will, given time, learn to live with their ordeal, and we can only pray that the UN don’t find out about it.
In other news, there have been reports that visitors to the capital have been panic-withdrawing cash from ATMs. Queues at London’s cash points are getting longer as visitors are spending unanticipated amounts in our pricey city. This situation will not be helped by the fact that only Visa credit cards will be accepted at the Olympic venues. Altruistic fast food dictatorship McDonalds, however, has said that it will also accept customers’ eternal souls as payment for a Big Mac Meal with large fries.