Monday, 30 July 2012

Olympic Update 8: Cyclists Worse than Hitler

Well, the London Olympic Games 2012 officially started on Friday evening, and so far it has all been progressing swimmingly. The opening ceremony, entitled Isles of Wonder – an apt title as most were left wondering how it could have cost £27 million – was described by one witness as ‘a feast for the senses’, while to another it was a feast of ‘leftie multi-cultural crap’. However, Ant and Dec described it on Twitter as ‘a triumph’, so I suppose that settles it.

Or so you’d think. The final word has to go Egypt’s Al-Ahram, which described the event as:
"Children's voices intertwining from the four corners of her United Kingdom ushered in an exuberant historical pageant of meadows, steel mills and megapixels."

No further description necessary. Oh, except for Kenneth Branagh dressed as Isambard Kingdom Brunel fervently reciting Shakespeare for reasons best known to himself. But that did not spoil the evening for one German dignitary who showed his appreciation by waving enthusiastically as the German team walked out into the parade.   

"Mazel Tov"

Unfortunately though, things were not quite so harmonious outside the Olympic stadium. There were ugly scenes in Stratford during the festivities as some cyclists decided to cycle along public roads despite being told NOT TO by the police. 182 of the barbarous bicycle riding delinquents – some of them wearing dreadlocks and T-shirts with the names of rock bands on the front – were given what they deserve when they attempted to ride in a group in the very area that Danny Boyle was demonstrating what can be done with 27 million quid and Sir Paul McCartney was flapping his jowls about tunelessly. Of the 182 reckless bike mounted anarchists rounded up on Friday evening only four were eventually charged, but all were kept in custody in uncomfortable makeshift holding cells until the morning in a police attempt to convince them to give up their crazy ways and get a car like normal people.

On the last Friday evening of every month since the 1990s two-wheeled psychopaths have met up and ridden around London and other cities in the world in an event called Critical Mass. These regular anarchic events often block the capital’s roads causing drivers of cars to be delayed for up to four minutes. The police attempted in 2008 to ban this civilisation threatening behaviour, but a rogue judge ruled against them, and this is the result.

Two filthy, subversive cyclists mocking the law yesterday

Comical London Mayor Boris Johnson was said to be ruing his previous – albeit unconvincing – ramblings that the best way to access the Olympic sites is by bicycle, not realising at the time that anyone would actually be stupid enough to cycle on London’s roads. He has since retracted his pro-cycling eco-fluff for fear that it will alienate proper people who drive cars and do not cause congestion on the roads. Part of the pro-cycling retraction strategy was to let a bit of air out of Mark Cavendish’s tyres and fill his bike’s frame with lead before his race on Saturday, ensuring that the British public would think that cycling is rubbish again.

Unfortunately, Team GB did get a cycling medal in the women’s road race, but thankfully it was only a silver, so it doesn’t really count.   

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