Olympic Update 7: Olympic Doping Welcomed by Coe

The Olympic Games kicked off yesterday with the beginning of the women’s football competition which saw Team GB romp to a 1-0 victory over New Zealand in Cardiff, putting paid to rumours that women’s football is crap. However, it was not all good news for Britain, as an international controversy took place at North Korea’s match against Columbia at Glasgow’s Hampden Park, when South Korea’s national flag was shown alongside North Korea’s players’ faces on the big screen prior to the start of the match. This provoked the North Korean female players to overreact and storm off to natter about reality TV for over an hour before returning to the pitch.

Even more controversially, my Olympic inside source informs me that the the blunder was due to DOPING.  More controversially still, it seems that the doper in question was actually Sir Lord Seb Coe OBE himself. Coe, whose job entails, among other things, putting players faces next to national flags on the big screen for women’s football matches, made the fatal flag foul-up after smoking too much of a performance-enhancing marijuana cigarette before the big match.

Coe giggling uncontrollably before the match yesterday 

In a statement last May, Coe publicly announced that he has no problem with drug cheats in sport. He told the Metro at the time

“I’ve been talking about drugs for over 30 years, I’m a hard liner.”

This caused some confusion, but was later cleared up by Coe in a less inebriated moment when he explained what he’d meant to say was in fact:

“I’ve been taking drugs for over 30 years, I’m a mainliner.”

Good for him. However, as influential as Coe is in the running of the London Olympics, even he could not realise his dream of making this ‘the druggiest Olympics ever’, and stringent tests have been put in place to catch out athletes who enjoy a bit of the old sniff. In the six months leading up to the games over 100 athletes were caught and banned for taking prohibited substances.

Suspicions are aroused when one Moroccan athlete sneezes during a running race

Yesterday there were more sanctions as the drug testing stepped up a gear but, much to Coe’s chagrin, no British competitors were caught, indicating that they are leading drug-free existences.

An indignant American athlete protests his innocence yesterday 

Coe was unavailable for comment earlier today, as he was reportedly ‘sleeping off a heavy one’ after spending much of last night partying with David Cameron and Shaun Ryder. However, for the sake of international relations, it is to be hoped that he regulates his intake of performance-enhancing cannabis cigarettes before refereeing the first round ping pong match between North Korea and South Korea at the beginning of August.