A serious issue has raised its saturated fat-sodden head ahead of the London Olympics: pieces of fried potato. Yes, it appears, as I have always suspected, that you can trust no one to behave in a considerate manner, and McDonalds has decided to take no chances on this front. The often unfairly disparaged, family run multinational has had to suffer the indignity of taking action to ensure that chips are not sold on the Olympic site by anyone other than themselves. And quite right too; they’ve got to make a profit, right? Happily McDonalds had it written into their Olympic sponsorship deal that no other food outlet on the site may be permitted to sell portions of the scrumptious starchy sports snack, with the only exception being chips sold with fish.
(Some chips earlier today)
It is, however, unclear if other prudent demands made by the people’s fast food giant will be met. These include:
- All visitors to the Olympics whose name is McDonald must change their name by deed poll, at least for the duration of their visit. If they agree to change it permanently McDonalds has agreed a 50% discount on a strawberry milkshake.
- Any visitor that has consumed food from Burger King in the last twenty-four hours must undertake stringent medical tests to prove that they have fully excreted it before entering the complex.
- American visitors will be banned from eating crisps at the site due to their erroneously referring to them as chips. An exception will be made if said Americans are consuming a fish in conjunction with a packet of the crunchy snacks.
- All competitors must publicly eat either a Big Mac or a Quarter Pounder with Cheese before every event in which they compete.
(Tom Daley’s technique has evolved since he was purchased by McDonalds last year)
Thankfully the government has become involved in what is clearly an important Olympic issue, firstly by closing off part of the Lea Valley towpath that borders the Olympic site. This has understandably caused angry scenes among angry local residents who are angered by this particular issue. Officially the towpath has been closed for ‘unspecified security reasons’, but I am told by an insider that portions of unsanctioned chips were discovered to have been smuggled over the fence from the towpath into the Olympic site earlier this month, provoking those in charge to respond swiftly to the threat.
The second precaution taken by the government has caused even more controversy among the locals. Residents of the elegantly named Fred Wigg Tower in Waltham Forest, North East London, are kicking up a rather unnecessary stink over plans to adorn their building with a few high-velocity surface-to-air missiles. Defence Secretary Philip Hammond has attempted to placate those living in the tower by saying that the minor weapons of mass destruction lodged meters above their heads are intended to provide "both reassurance and a powerful deterrent" in the tussle against terror. But my reliable source informs me that terror is a mere smokescreen to cover the real reason for the application of military might to civilians’ homes: chips. Yes, the government are hoping that the threat of non-McDonalds chips being dropped into the Olympic site by air will be neutralised by hanging tools of war from its citizens’ dwellings.
Quite right too. As a show of support for the monopolisation of the market of fried potato-based products by struggling small businesses, such as McDonalds, I have written to David Cameron personally to offer him the use of my back garden to store a small armoured vehicle should he so desire.
Could we have stumbled upon one of David Beckham's mystery Olympic Roles? Is Sir Dave himself the brains behind the operation to protect the Olympic chip?