London's Angry Cabbies Are Furious Over Stuff

London’s usually quiet and easy to navigate road system has been disrupted today due to the controversial Olympic Route Network (ORN) coming into operation. The ORN is a network made up of lanes of London’s roads that are closed off to public vehicles, in order that Olympic officials can cruise around between venues picking up women of loose virtue and sufficient quantities of recreational drugs to see them through the tedium that is the Olympic handball event. This, of course, is not the official reason for the ORN; ever since the 1996 Atlanta Olympics, when some competitors missed their events due to traffic jams – and a number of Olympic officials went several hours without cocaine – the International Olympic mafia Committee has insisted that a network be set up in host cities. 

Regent Street before lane closures yesterday

Regent Street one minute after the ORN became operational earlier today

Within the network there are thirty miles of lanes allocated for sole use of the VIPs on London’s cramped streets, and this inevitably provided the city’s cabbies with something else to be angry about. So indignant were London’s knights of the road over the lane closures that immigrants, people who ride bicycles and that twat off the telly – you know the smarmy one with the hair – who annoys them, went virtually unmentioned today. Needless to say, despite everyone else, including those traveling by bicycles and buses, being banned from using the lanes with the threat of a £130 fine, most of London’s black cab drivers insist that they should be allowed to drive in them. They also believe that they should be able to park wherever they want, be issued with a license to kill, and only be stopped by the police to be offered foie gras and a glass of Chateauneuf du Pape.  “I don’t pay the majority of my taxes,” one enraged cabbie told me earlier today, “To be told I can’t do things. I’ve done the knowledge, you know,” he continued before telling me through a bacon sandwich that I look like a poof. One cabbie was so irritated by the whole affair that he actually attempted suicide during a protest.

But I say, cheer up cabbies of London, it could be worse. In Southampton cabbies have to endure their every conversation being recorded by CCTV. The system is due to be scrapped, however, as those operating the CCTV system centrally could only listen to detailed descriptions of where England went wrong in their last match and the evils of the Euro so many times in one day.

Furthermore, cab drivers in Swansea have to put up with people feeding birds in their general vicinity. Colin Bevan, a Swansea Taxi driver becomes enraged when the pesky pests pester his customers. "We get a lot of people who are intimidated by this large frenzied flock of birds," thundered the large frenzied cabbie. “And the birds do their business all over our cabs,” he complained.

This kind of thing is not so frequent in London, but when birds do their business on cabs here it generally takes a bit of elbow grease to get it off. 

"You know, the smarmy one off the telly with the hair. Right twat he is."