Friday, 31 August 2012

Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

Parts of the House of Commons were closed off today due to a fire breaking out in the early hours of this morning. No significant damage was done to the building but much of it had to be cordoned off because of the presence of fumes from toxic substances, such as asbestos, expensive cigars and the stench of broken promises. Earlier this week plans were announced for parliament to abandon the House of Commons for five years to allow major refurbishment works to be carried out. It is not clear where parliament will convene during the overhaul, but I have it on good authority that there is one venue, which is closed during the daytime, that is a particularly popular choice with MPs.

The capital’s police have had their work cut out lately dealing with the Notting Hill Carnival, the closure of cannabis factories, closing London bridges to clamp down on gangsterism and other peculiar occurrences. Despite this they are still managing to keep it together, unlike police in Hartlepool who are literally jumping at their own shadows. The Met have also had to deal with crimes that they thought they’d left behind in the 1950s, such as this particular case in which a man attempted to steal a flower cart by dragging it off with his horse. George Smith, 36, was fined 6 guineas, 2d, given a swift clip round the ear and told to buck his ideas up. The court was told to disregard his earlier convictions for scrumping and stealing lead from church roofs.

Smith had to sell his television set to pay the court fine

A murder investigation may have to be opened after a man found a lump in a tin of paint and decided that it must be a piece of human flesh. Bonkers Rob Rayment ,66, found the lump in some kitchen paint that he had purchased from B&Q the day before and made the obvious assumption that it must be a lump of human flesh. "It looks like the back of someone’s forearm. It’s an inch by half an inch. I was horrified by it, absolutely horrified,” Rayment gibbered delightedly. B&Q have reluctantly agreed to carry out tests on the lump. Since then Mr Rayment has written to breakfast cereal manufacturer Kellogg’s after finding what he has described as a baby’s eyeball in his Coco Pops. “Or it could be a monkey’s bollock,” flibbered the time-wasting attention seeker yesterday. 

It was revealed this week that one in 10 parents who live within 500 yards of their child's school admit to driving them to the gates, partly explaining the rise in fat-bastardry in today’s children. The London Borough of Southwark has the most fatties according to research, with a cholesterol raising quarter of children in the area being classified as obese last year. In my opinion it is not just the lack of walking to school and poor diet that is to blame for today’s childhood chunkiness, but also the fact that instead of playing football or riding a bike they like to stand around in supermarkets being amazed by really dull things. 

A big-boned youngster enlists his friends to winch him up from the bench

And finally, with the capital’s rising multiculturalism and its welcoming of citizens from all over the world for the Olympic competitions, it is good to know that one person from Mitcham is still keeping it old-school. He hasn’t mentioned dogs or the Irish though, so I suppose that’s progress. 

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