Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

This week saw predictable problems on the Tube as the gormless crowds struggled to reach the Olympic venues. The Central Line struggled to transport Games fans amid several incidents which suspended the line entirely, including one fire alert at Leyton Station on Tuesday and a signal failure at Bethnal Green earlier today, providing hundreds of tardy slackers with an excuse to saunter into work at half past ten. The Underground botheration began as early as last Friday when a fight broke out in Leytonstone Station following two men exposing their ‘Olympic torches’ to miffed female passengers. As a result of a police appeal for information regarding the incident, an anonymous source came forward on Tuesday with a picture of one of the uninhibited suspects:



Dismayed passengers look on as the suspect fiddles with his flies shortly before the incident

While people are largely heading east to get their Olympic thrills, hoards of excitement seekers are heading in the opposite direction, which is west. Dozens of middle-aged men with literally nothing better to do have been descending upon Myrtle Avenue near Heathrow airport to gawp at aeroplanes while their wives enjoy the company of their Eastern European gardeners. Apparently the normally quiet residential street is the perfect spot to stand with a slack jaw fully engaged, wistfully gazing at aircraft. One resident of Myrtle Avenue delightedly told me, “It’s great. People from all over the world have turned up to enjoy the underside of passenger jets – it’s a real party atmosphere!” Another enthused, “I wish these geeks would fuck off. I’m sick of being confronted by their stupid beardy faces every time I pop out to Tesco’s to buy solvents.”  

Less heart-warmingly, a mother spoke this week of her concern that children at her son’s school are being given anti-drugs lessons by mad-as-a-bag-of-badgers Scientologists. It is thought that Tom Cruise himself – who is clearly not on drugs – is planning to give a talk at St Paul’s Primary School, Newington Green next term, but the move is being blocked by horrified parents who understandably do not want their children exposed to the feverish rantings of a man who thinks the human race is descended from ET or something. Cruise, speaking yesterday from his spaceship made of tin foil and cardboard tubes, was said to be disappointed by the “narrow minded” reaction of the parents.

 A ‘smartly dressed’ sheep was spotted wandering around New Malden High Street unattended earlier this week, much to the confusion of the couple of people who had the time to take notice. Worryingly, there have been rumours that the sheep was a part of a test run by Al Qaeda, who plan to launch an army of killer seals on the streets of London before the end of the Olympics. I am personally unconcerned, being now able to die happy having seen this.

I now keep this picture with me at all times, ready to pull it out if I see a seal coming around the corner towards me. I want it to be the last thing I see.