Unforgivable Acts of Vandalism Make London Cry

It appears that the excitement of the Olympics coupled with the summer holidays has driven the people of London to deface their surroundings. The previously clean and unvandalised city has seen a spate of malicious attacks upon its streets in recent days. It all began in Leyton, East London, when the borough of Waltham Forest’s attempt to spruce up the High Street ended in pastel-hued disaster. One local resident, Shekhar Bhatia, was livid about the changes, comparing the new aspect of his local High Street to over priced, ponce-riddled, twat factory Notting Hill. It is his fervent hope that after the Olympics the out of character paint will be removed and the High Street’s familiar smell of urine will be returned.

The people of Uxbridge suffered a similar fate when they awoke one day to find that someone had planted a large number of unwanted trees on their doorstep. The unwelcome flora was dumped on the area’s RAF site, provoking concern by Uxbridge residents about how they are to defend themselves against a possible attack by their enemies Ruislip, Denham and West Drayton. 

One of the smirking, tree dumping miscreants yesterday

Primrose Hill has seen its fair share of inappropriate behaviour over the years, but a wonton scribbler scrawling lyrics penned by past-it rock mockneys Blur on its public paths has to be among the worst. The Royal Parks officials had the heinous daubings removed only for them to reappear in the same place shortly afterwards. A plaque has been placed at the hill’s summit inscribed with the words of the romantic poet, William Blake. This has proved unpopular, however, as no one really likes poetry, so the emotive, visceral thoughts of the great late 90s band Five are to be immortalised there early next month.

And even the Olympic park is not safe from vandals, it seems. There have been reports that pupils from Burntwood School in Earlesfield broke into the Olympic Village and put crappy pictures all over the walls. Olympic officials were said to be initially displeased with the prank, but admitted that they should have seen it coming, as the people of Earlesfield are notorious for their sense of humour. 

Ryan Giggs sees the funny side of Burntwood School's prank yesterday

Even respected designers have been getting in on the London defacement act. Philip Treacy, well known for designing designs, has been going around the capital putting disrespectful hats on statues of famous figures, including Lord Nelson himself. If you ask me shooting’s too good for him.

But these acts of vandalism are not all insolent displays of impertinence and mockery of our heritage, as Guardian blogger Dave Hill recently discovered on his recent wanderings around East London; some of them are actually quite optimistic: