Wednesday, 8 August 2012

Olympic Update 12: Morrissey Not Happy About the Olympics

Despite the initial blunders, the overstretched public transport system and McDonalds’ uncompromising stranglehold on the potato products Olympic visitors are allowed to eat, everyone in Britain seems to be enjoying the Olympics so far, do they not? Even the staunchest of cynics appear to have been won over by the nation’s renewed patriotism, unexpected sporting achievement, and extended coverage of Claire Balding talking. Everyone except for vastly over-rated, long faced, nut roast murdering, professional miserabalist, Morrissey. The pretentious, attention-seeking, pseudo-anarchist twat has controversially compared the atmosphere of the London Olympics to that of Nazi Germany. It is hard to decide what to be more shocked about, that Morrissey has compared the London Games to Hitler’s Germany, or that anyone still bothers to listen to his anti-capitalist, anti-media, media-fuelled sound bites. Speaking on his platform constructed entirely of student ideals and polar bear tears, the former Smiths front man gave his fans a glimpse of his genius insight recently: “I am unable to watch the Olympics due to the blustering jingoism that drenches the event,” he loudly arseholed to his fans, before trumpeting on about the media, the royals and how we’ve all been brainwashed by The System.

Morrissey warning the universe about the dangers of things he doesn't like yesterday

But what if the saggy, pompous unenthusiast is right? What if the London Olympics is having a negative effect on people’s behaviour? What then? What if?

Well, the so-called greatest Olympian of all time is certainly no role model for the world’s impressionable citizens. Michael Phelps, who has won the most gold medals of any athlete ever (53), boasted recently that he uses swimming pools to urinate in.  Dirty bastard Phelps, 27, told journalists, “Everybody pees in the pool. It’s kind of a normal thing to do for swimmers.” I think, given time, the world could possibly forgive Phelps his abhorrent habit, were it not for the fact that he has become so desensitised about where to go to the toilet that he has recently begun defecating in the Olympic gymnasium, much to the disgust of Chris Hoy, who stepped in it last night, ruining his brand new Nike Air trainers. 

Michael Phelps doing his dirty business earlier today

American Judoer Nicholas Delpopolo is no better than Phelps, having been disqualified from his competition after he tested positive for Cannabis. Although Lord Coe was delighted with the discovery, others took a dim view of Delpopolo’s test results, including Delpopolo himself, who claimed that he had taken the drug by accident. Apparently there was so much marijuana hanging about the Olympic park that some of it made its way into one of Delpopolo’s brownies. Unfortunate, but not entirely surprising, as drugs and sex are apparently de rigueur at the Olympic village, so much so that condoms are distributed willy-nilly throughout the athletes’ quarters (they have to be the official Olympic brand though, naturally).

With our sporting heroes behaving in such ways, is it any wonder that the results of vandalism can frequently be seen on our streets, even upon Jessica Ennis’s personal gold post box? Or that chaos has descended upon our national parks as people brutally attempt to bring their own sandwiches to Victoria Park and Hyde Park rather than pay the very reasonable price of £7.50 for a government approved hotdog freshly prepared on the premises? Happily there has been a clampdown on such behaviour, even for those who are medically dependent upon the food they bring.

So it seems that Morrissey was right after all, firstly about the country being at risk of becoming out of control, swept along by the evil influence of the Games, and secondly that there are certain resemblances to Nazi Germany emerging, particularly in Victoria and Hyde parks.         

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