The 5-0 aim to completely stamp out gangsterisation amongst the young
This is all very well but if young people are now not terrorising our streets, who is? Who can we, as Londoners, trust to roam the streets in a feral manner scaring the bejesus out of the middle classes who believe everything they read in the Daily Mail, or at least give them something to moan about?
How about self-satisfied, malnourished, odorous environmentalists? The irritating, bongo playing tree dwellers seemed to be getting a foothold on street terror when they decided to hang a banner from Tower Bridge recently. Two activists caused holdups in traffic heading both ways (unfortunately resulting in people sitting with their car engines idling or forcing them to take a longer detour which made them pump out enough additional exhaust fumes to comfortably gas three baby seals) when they abseiled down the bridge and put up a banner about the world dying or something. They were subsequently charged with criminal damage and causing a public nuisance, and were not expected to emerge again until one was seen on the shard today. Luckily the buffoonish insurgent forgot his banner which read “Cutting Down Trees is Very Bad”, so no harm was really done.
A militant environmentalist digs a trench around a petrol station yesterday
Perhaps even more disturbing is the news that charity fundraisers intend to rampage all over the streets of Bexleyheath. Under the guise of raising money for a hospice the gang plan to terrorise the area by wandering around at night with torches having a lovely chat. Police have warned the public not to approach the gang as they may become engaged in chirpy banter against their will. Apparently only women are allowed to join the gang, so they are sexist as well as intimidating. Tut.
And what about these fucking idiots? Yes, on Saturday the streets of Enfield were terrorised by people who like cats. Not only that but the rampaging halfwits were dressed as the furry malevolent kebab ingredients, and actually extorted money from vulnerable shoppers to help Greek cats – Greek, not even English ones. No arrests were made, despite the gang getting away with an estimated £277 of the public’s money, as they escaped capture and are thought to be holed up in a misguided stranger’s house being fed for nothing and ruining the furniture.
But perhaps the biggest threat of all comes from disabled people being transported around the capital. Having been at a disadvantage for years in terms of mobility, the disabled and their co-conspirators have decided to go wherever they please, mowing down able-bodied people with impunity. It is thought that the disabled are using the Paralympics as bait to draw people in and then run them over in the car park.
I think I preferred it when youths were running amok on our streets. At least they were too young to drive.