Who Will Replace London's Young Miscreants?

Great news: the capital’s young people aren’t killing each other as much as they were a while ago according to the Met. The police have been working hard to crack down on gangs recently, and their efforts appear to be paying dividends. In the last six months there has reportedly been a 34% decrease in ‘serious violence’, although figures for humorous and indifferent violence are as yet unpublished. Since April more than 1,500 gang members have been busted by the Feds, and 125 weapons have been confiscated and presumably given to more responsible people. In addition to dragging them off by their hoods and headscarves and treating them to the full force of the long arm of the law, the fuzz have been working closely with agencies to put youths on the straight and narrow through various workshops to instruct them on how to function in society without stabbing people. Noticeably there was none of the expected recurrence of violence on the anniversary of last year’s riots. At least part of the credit for this has to go to once again to the police and their anti-gang music campaign in which they commissioned a song that conveyed the message that rioting and gang violence is ‘wack’, whilst a peaceful and productive existence is ‘sick’.

The 5-0 aim to completely stamp out gangsterisation amongst the young

This is all very well but if young people are now not terrorising our streets, who is? Who can we, as Londoners, trust to roam the streets in a feral manner scaring the bejesus out of the middle classes who believe everything they read in the Daily Mail, or at least give them something to moan about?

How about self-satisfied, malnourished, odorous environmentalists? The irritating, bongo playing tree dwellers seemed to be getting a foothold on street terror when they decided to hang a banner from Tower Bridge recently. Two activists caused holdups in traffic heading both ways (unfortunately resulting in people sitting with their car engines idling or forcing them to take a longer detour which made them pump out enough additional exhaust fumes to comfortably gas three baby seals) when they abseiled down the bridge and put up a banner about the world dying or something. They were subsequently charged with criminal damage and causing a public nuisance, and were not expected to emerge again until one was seen on the shard today. Luckily the buffoonish insurgent forgot his banner which read “Cutting Down Trees is Very Bad”, so no harm was really done.

A militant environmentalist digs a trench around a petrol station yesterday

Perhaps even more disturbing is the news that charity fundraisers intend to rampage all over the streets of Bexleyheath. Under the guise of raising money for a hospice the gang plan to terrorise the area by wandering around at night with torches having a lovely chat. Police have warned the public not to approach the gang as they may become engaged in chirpy banter against their will. Apparently only women are allowed to join the gang, so they are sexist as well as intimidating. Tut.

And what about these fucking idiots? Yes, on Saturday the streets of Enfield were terrorised by people who like cats. Not only that but the rampaging halfwits were dressed as the furry malevolent kebab ingredients, and actually extorted money from vulnerable shoppers to help Greek cats – Greek, not even English ones. No arrests were made, despite the gang getting away with an estimated £277 of the public’s money, as they escaped capture and are thought to be holed up in a misguided stranger’s house being fed for nothing and ruining the furniture.

But perhaps the biggest threat of all comes from disabled people being transported around the capital. Having been at a disadvantage for years in terms of mobility, the disabled and their co-conspirators have decided to go wherever they please, mowing down able-bodied people with impunity. It is thought that the disabled are using the Paralympics as bait to draw people in and then run them over in the car park.

I think I preferred it when youths were running amok on our streets. At least they were too young to drive.