Friday, 17 August 2012

Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

The week began on a melancholy note as the Olympics hangover began in earnest, leaving us with a dry mouth, a pounding headache and a regrettable hankering for a fried egg sandwich. With much tedious and ultimately futile blathering about the Olympic legacy relentlessly assaulting the eyes and ears of the nation, some have actually been inspired to take up some form of daily exercise, at least until the reality of the undertaking makes itself chafingly apparent and they can’t be arsed anymore. So it appears, for the time being (two weeks maximum?), Londoners are to be treated to the offensive sight of smug, bright white trainered, sweaty twats jogging at a medium walking pace to their offices where they will regale their indifferent colleagues with details of how they have taken thirty seconds off of yesterday’s time.

A commuting joggist arrives at work feeling fresh, revitalised and ready for the day's challenges

As Britain waved a fond farewell to its athletic visitors Heathrow’s Games terminal was decorated to resemble a city park for reasons that are not completely clear. As part of the display a ‘memory tree’ was erected to which the departing athletes could attach a note with a favourite London 2012 memory written on it. Touchingly, two members of the American athletics team picked Mo Farrah’s track victories. However, US sprinter, Manteo Mitchell, who ran to the finishing line despite a broken leg, wrote of “God allowing me to have the strength to finish the race for my team”. He wisely brushed aside the fact that God had allowed his leg to be broken in the first place though.

God was unavailable for comment earlier today

London’s buses have made the news this week, as Transport for London gave New Malden residents the hump by announcing that minor works are to be carried out to allow the 265 bus route to be diverted onto streets near to where they live. “When TfL send in their bulldozers, we will form a human shield to prevent access to our road. We will need to be removed forcibly,” frothed one resident with clearly nothing better to do.

In happier bus related news a woman gave birth to a baby boy on the 106 bus in Hackney this week. It is the third baby to have been born on a London bus apparently, though this figure is not as impressive as the 154 babies reportedly conceived on the capital’s night buses. Ahh.

And finally, a Surbiton couple was shocked this week to discover a frog in their lettuce. Mrs Smith, who found the tasty amphibian, said, “I shouted to my husband ‘frog in the lettuce, there is a frog in the lettuce’,” leaving no room for doubt as to what had happened. She went on to chuckle, “the fact [the lettuce] came from a supplier called R Pond tickled us,” making it abundantly clear that she and her husband will laugh at literally anything – funny or otherwise – which makes them strong potential readers of this blog.

No comments:

Post a Comment