Crime and Punishment

The Olympics may be in full swing but that doesn’t mean that London’s judges have been able to take a break, put their feet up and watch the enthralling thrills and spills of the water polo competition. No, crime doesn’t stop just because the Games are here, and criminals are not going to convict themselves (if they did they would probably give themselves a couple of hours of community service clearing up a nudist beach or something). Our upholders of the law have been busy defending the capital against an ever-present threat – people attempting to smuggle recreational drugs into the country, which is illegal. And it appears it’s not impressionable, whiffy, backpacking teenagers sticking a few heroin-filled condoms into their rectal passages who are the route the problem, but embassy officials carrying suitcases full of cannabis into Heathrow. Last Thursday, Amelework Wondemagegne, an Ethiopian diplomat, was sentence to 33 months after admitting to smuggling 56 kilograms of cannabis into Heathrow airport – a weight well in excess of her 20 kilo baggage allowance. When she was caught she initially attempted to claim diplomatic immunity, but she was astonished to learn that her immunity did not stretch to being let off for smuggling £160,000 worth of controlled substances into the country.

The Judge who convicted Wondemagegne relaxes after the trial

Stephen Frost of Wallington south London was, at the age of 53, too long in the tooth to get caught bringing cannabis into the country, instead preferring to be discovered growing it at home. Upon his conviction last week he was fined £80 for possessing seven cannabis plants which he claimed were being cultivated for personal use. The legal team that brought this evil wrong-doer to justice later congratulated themselves on yet another highly justifiable use of time and resources by enjoying five grams of cocaine purchased from Mr Frost’s next door neighbour.

Another major case was recently concluded as a criminal from east London was convicted of sending Nick Clegg envelopes of white powder in a dastardly anthrax hoax. Detectives were amazed to discover that the malicious mastermind behind the stunt was in fact 71 year-old disabled nun Sister Ruth Augustus. When she was apprehended by police the vile genius had her watertight defence already prepared: she admitted to sending the envelopes, which had drawings of swastikas and accusations of devil worshipping levelled at Glegg written on the outside, but she claimed that it was actually the police who had put the powder in them to frame her for reasons not fully explained. Brilliant. But for some reason the court was not convinced, and Sister Ruth was found guilty. In a statement she said, “I'm a Catholic nun, with more brains and intelligence than the police,” before being lead away by the police who had foiled her. 

A nun earlier today

Justice was done recently when it was announced two that men arrested on suspicion of importing a piece of Saddam Hussein’s fallen statue from Bagdad will not be facing charges. The piece of statue, thought to be part of one the dictator’s buttocks, was originally taken by London-born ex-SAS soldier Nigel ‘Spud’ Ely while he was serving in Iraq. The Iraqi authorities have since demanded it back, claiming that it is cultural property. Ely has laughed off the claims. “How can it be classed as cultural property when it was put up by the biggest tyrant since Attila the Hun?” he jovially demanded while stroking a brass cast of Gaddafi’s testicles.

British justice – almost priceless.