Friday, 24 August 2012

Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

Likeable, wobbly-headed pop folkster David Gray caused a stir in north London this week when he announced plans to convert his Crouch End based recording studios into flats. The studios were originally built in the nineteenth-century chapel by Dave Stewart of the Eurythmics, and have been used by a number of talented artists including Bob Dylan, Radiohead, Depeche Mode and Kaiser Chiefs. Elvis Costello has also recorded there. The decision has not been a popular one with local residents, particularly Sue Hessel, chairman of the local Haslemere Road residents’ association. “This is so sad. Crouch End has enough flats. Its music heritage is what makes it such a special place to live. Turning a culturally rich building into flats is not in the spirit of Crouch End,” she ponced, omitting to mention that maintaining the spirit of Crouch End appears to be taking a culturally rich building and turning it into a bakery that charges £4 for an organic, wheat-free, poppy seeded, freedom loaf of bread, or a shop that will sell you a tatty, paint-stripped office chair from the seventies for £250 without a hint of irony.

The lighting of the Paralympic flame took place this week at the top of the four highest peaks in the United Kingdom. It could be argued that this was a poorly thought out plan for a Paralympic event, as wheelchair access was understandably limited. The caldron in Trafalgar square was lit this morning by paralympian Claire Lomas, to the delight of the watching crowds. Proceedings then took a downturn when David Cameron stormed the stage and started to bleat on using the word ‘proud’ 126 times in two sentences. Really, as if the disabled don’t have enough to contend with.

Even the Olympic mascot, whose job it is to be enthusiastic, looks like he's lost the will to live

Police launched an appeal yesterday following a burglary in Claygate in which thousands of pounds worth of cigarettes were stolen from a convenience store. Several men broke into the store last week and carried out what is described in the local press as ‘an untidy search’ before making off with a large quantity of the smoky lung treats.  The police have no clue as to the identities of the men that carried out the crime, but have released a picture of a shady looking character lurking nearby thought to be the mastermind behind the heist:

It was announced this week that as of next year if you want to urinate or defecate in London’s royal parks you will have to pay 20p for the privilege, or just find a discrete bush to take care of your business. The move comes following a series of cuts to public park funding over the course of several years which have forced park officials to introduce the charge. Disabled and playground toilets will remain free, so at least the capital’s impoverished cottagers will still have somewhere to meet.

And finally, much to the relief of local residents, essential works have at long last been carried out on Wimbledon Common.

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