Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

Reports came in on Monday that the City of London’s only lap-dancing club has sadly been shut down. Charlie’s Bar, near Tower Hill, had its request for a sex entertainment venue licence turned down last year by the City of London Corporation, due to the Corporation's stance that sex entertainment venues are damaging to women. The law still allowed Charlie’s Bar to hold up to 11 lap-dancing nights a year – presumably this amount of nights is not damaging to women in any way – but the venue flouted this and held at least 12 events, thus spewing damaged women out into the City at all hours at the weekends. This news came as London Pleasure Gardens, apparently an ‘arts quarter’ in East London, has gone into administration. It has been a crushing week for the gentleman about town with a roving eye for the ladies, who now has to resort to ogling the warm ups of synchronised swimmers in order to catch a bit of enticing girl-on-girl action.

Phwoar!

A lucky punter enjoys an exotic dance from an alluring dancer at Charlie's Bar last week

Stall holders were outraged this week after being sold expensive pitches on the temporary ‘Olympia’ food market in Leyton. The stall holders were told that their pitches would be passed by thousands of Olympic visitors daily, but were not told that Marshall Road, on which the market is situated, leads principally to Asda’s car park and a few blackberry bushes. Moreover, the council has gone out of its way to draw business away from the area by printing leaflets advising visitors to take a route to the games that completely avoids the market. One stall holder, who has been left thousands of pounds out of pocket by the debacle, was said to be furious with Waltham Forest Council, but was hoping to make most of his losses back on the resale of Tower Bridge, which he purchased from Tower Hamlets Council last month, as soon as the deeds come through the post.      

Thames Valley police revealed this week that they have employed a new weapon in the fight against youth gang crime – music. After failed experiments involving the attempted engagement of youth by playing ‘The Laughing Policeman’ on You Tube, Thames Valley Police finally admitted defeat and commissioned a song produced by old favourites DJ LoMotes and Phoenix Keys, and featuring timeless rappers Styler, Sicx, Dimples and Treasure (not their real names). It would have been a dream line up had renowned South London rap duo DJ Hot Broccoli and MC Wicked Groceries been able to join the collaboration, but they were not allowed out as they had to revise for their GCSEs.

"Excuse me madam, may I see you across the road?"

It is hoped that London’s young people will be inspired by Team GB’s success in the Olympic Games and take up sport, pollution permitting, instead of making a cannabis-smelling nuisance of themselves. One area in which we have particularly excelled this week is women kicking the crap out of each other.  I think we can be confident that this is one sphere of Olympic sport in which we are almost guaranteed continued success. Go Britain!