London's Takeaways Are the Finest in the World

Fire fighters have issued a warning to gormless Londoners not to leave the house while cooking, after they were called out three times in one day this week to extinguish fires in the kitchens of half-wits. In all three incidents the fire brigade were called after residents had started to cook something – in two incidences on the hob – and then decided to go for a lovely wander outside, leaving their delectable creations fiercely bubbling away at home. On one of the occasions fire fighters were forced to break into the property to rescue a cat that was seen at the front window. It is not yet clear whether the cat was an ingredient in the ill-fated dinner.

“That smells delicious darling. What is it?”

“Err…chicken”

With home cooking being the dangerous extreme activity that it evidently is, it is no wonder that people in London enjoy takeaway food so much. And if you are making the effort to dine à la delivery why not go for a delicious kebab? It was estimated earlier this year that there are over 140 kebab selling establishments in London, and of that 140 kebab shops I estimate that 132 are in Wood Green, probably. But none are finer than Meze Mangal in Lewisham, which beat some of London’s top restaurants in a customer satisfaction survey on Trip Advisor, with a staggering 95 per cent approval rating. It’s no wonder that customers are so delighted with the food, as owners Ahmet and Sahin Gok trained under the very best; when they arrived in England in the eighties, they spent several years cutting their teeth at the Kingston upon Thames’s branch of Wimpy. Not everyone, however, is happy with Meze Mangal’s success in the Trip Advisor ratings. Pasquale Cosmai, the manager of Michelin starred restaurant Aspleys, which came two places below Meze Mangal, is not happy at all.

“My standards of food are high. Other people’s standards are probably different. Some people are fine with a burger,” he spat, choking back tears and throwing his electric whisk out of his Aga pram.

If, like Mr Cosmai, you do not fancy a kebab, what about a lovely curry? Indian food has become the number one choice for the discerning takeaway gourmand due to its exotic flavours, punchy spices and the fact that you only need a fork to eat it. Or if you don’t own a fork you can use a spoon. And if you are not fortunate enough to possess any cutlery you can scoop the spicy meal into your mouth with the innersole of your work shoe – try doing that with fish and chips. Although it does pay to check out the establishment before ordering food from it, as you may get a few more delicacies than you had bargained for.

Curry not your thing? How about ordering a scrumptious pizza from Pizza Hut? Pizzas from the restaurant chain are fabricated exactly like mamma use to make in the old country, using only the finest thick-cut recycled cardboard for the base, delectable cheese containing absolutely no dairy products whatsoever, and hand-picked toppings fresh from the freezers of Costco, all delivered to your door by a struggling immigrant who has been working for 16 hours without a break. Mmm. The branch in Kendal Avenue, Park Royal seems to be particularly popular with those reviewers who have had the good fortune to dine there. 

Is that going in or coming out?

If you decide to make the effort to go out and eat, make sure you avoid the Duck and Waffle in Bishopsgate. For some reason they think it acceptable to serve their customers ‘chip shop cod tongues’ and ‘bbq-spiced crispy pig ears’.

They want shooting, if you ask me.