Tuesday, 4 September 2012

Farewell For Now, London

I regret to inform you, London, that I will not be furnishing you with my insightful commentary on life in the capital for the next two weeks, as I will be leaving our great city on a mission of utmost importance, during which I hope to discover what people are like outside of the M25. I suspect that I will not like them very much. Anyway, I will be returning to your computer screens by the evening of Tuesday 18th September to update you once again on the varied and exciting issues that Londoners are facing. “But what will I do until then?” I hear you yawn indifferently. Fear not, there are over one hundred other websites on the internet – most of which are far better than this one – so why not peruse one or two of them while I’m away? Or why not play with your children, talk to your wife, husband or civil partner, get on with some work or go dogging with a chum? If you don’t fancy doing any of those things may I suggest a few activities to occupy your mind, such as it is, until my return?

Someone from outside of London. I’ll probably meet him on my travels.

Are you are the partying type? Then why not relive the early nineties by turning up to a lovely illegal rave? Apparently they are making a comeback in fields in and around the capital, but be sure to remember your dose of amphetamine/rat poison mixture, glow-sticks, Adidas Sambas and set of ‘African’ bongos manufactured and purchased in Camden.

If you prefer a more civilised outdoor activity, how about a spot of al fresco dining in Chelsea? If nothing else at least your outside meal will annoy the twats that live there, who are worried that people sitting outside will “chip away at the character of the area.” If you really want to make an impression with the locals why not open up a McDonalds next door?

But if you can’t afford to eat outside a Gordon Ramsey restaurant why not have a picnic in a local park? If you turn up to Mitcham Common you don’t even need to bring food with you, simply borrow a gun from a local teenager and shoot your lunch. Mmm.

Should you find yourself in the Finchley area over the coming month you could do worse than drop in to Avenue House, where enticing events such as a talk by Sir Michael Bear, former Lord Mayor of London, a ‘gardening day’ (cake provided) and a champagne tea with Mr Carson, the butler from Downton Abbey will be taking place.

Mr Carson has everyone in stitches with his jokes about dead prostitutes

Still feeling cultural? Get yourself down to Buckingham Palace, where for a mere £31.95 you can wander around the Queen’s house and look at all the nick nacks that she has picked up over the years, including her priceless collection of rare jewels. Hasn’t she done well for herself? Don’t forget to wipe your feet.

If all this seems a bit tame why not live it up at the Borehamwood Autumn Flower and Vegetable Show? For just £1 you can gain access to a show that displays not only autumn flowers but autumn vegetables too. And autumn fruit. Not only that, but you can “enjoy a cup of tea and listen to the Borehamwood Brass Band when your money and energy is spent!”  Good times indeed.

Whatever you decide to do during the next two weeks please take care, enjoy yourselves and for God’s sake stay away from this.

No comments:

Post a Comment