Friday, 21 September 2012

Sweet Friday Afternoon: Half-Arsed Weekly News Round-Up

There were concerns this week that during London Fashion Week catwalk models were becoming difficult to see. This was not a result of their diminutive waistlines, as one would expect, but due to their choice of clothes and make-up causing them to blend in with their urban surroundings. One unfortunate model seemed to disappear completely when her apparel caused her blend in with a London taxi. Others went unnoticed by the luckless taxi driver when they unwisely dressed as cyclists. Kelly Brook was camouflaged so successfully that her bodyguard completely forgot about her existence after attending a show by designer Philip Treacy. She managed to laugh the incident off in public, but I am informed that when she got the inattentive security man home she had him mercilessly flogged by barely perceptible models disguised as telephone boxes, zebra crossings and those bins you find in parks in which people deposit dog excrement.

Naomi Campbell lies in wait for incompetent bodyguards earlier this week

It was revealed that the Sutton’s elderly are happier than ever. The council carried out an old people’s happiness survey recently and found that 92 per cent of the elderly describe their lives as “at least alright or better.” The reasons for this euphoria are apparently high quality social services and budgetary systems put in place to encourage feelings of autonomy among the elderly, as well as the local shops being well stocked with custard creams and a bring and buy denture event held at the town hall on a bi-monthly basis. It appears, however, that some of the borough’s oldies are becoming somewhat over zealous in these times of plenty. One resident in particular has been causing a nuisance in Greenshaw Woods by exposing his lust for life to anyone willing to look.  Dubbed the “Father Christmas Flasher” due to his long white beard, police have advised local residents not to accept proffered gifts from his festive sack.

Tesco has come under fire as the second dead frog in a week was discovered in their salad products. Actress Sarah Moss was not nearly as amused by the incident as Mrs Smith, who found a frog in her Sainsbury’s lettuce last month. Ms Moss was eating spinach with her friend when they discovered the deceased on her plate. She explains, “We must have been eating it [the spinach not the frog] for five minutes when her fork pierced something that wasn’t supposed to be there. My friend was sick several times as she is a vegetarian.” Presumably had she been an omnivore her friend would have found the discovery of a dead amphibian in her lunch acceptable. Bloody veggies.

A fussy vegetarian spitting out a bit of frog yesterday

Bird-bothering body warmer enthusiast Bill Oddie has been engaged in a very public mental breakdown this week at London Zoo, where he has apparently been ‘translating’ bird calls and Twatting them on Twitter. The police had to put a stop the confused ramblings of Barmy Bill after a starling allegedly Twatted something racist about a footballer, and a bullfinch instigated a hate campaign against a fat teenager.

If, like mine, your car is a filthy embarrassment and you live near Potters Bar, why not drive to Potters Bar Fire Station in the attractively named Mutton Lane on Saturday and have your car washed by actual firefighters? The event for charity takes place four times a year but the last one was cancelled due to – and I’m not making this up – a hosepipe ban. Brilliant. 

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