London's War on the Motorist

It is not easy driving around the capital with its congested roads, confusing one way systems and gormless tourists stepping out into the road, especially when you are trying to read a text message, tune the radio, eat a chicken or are drunk. It is no wonder that drivers are often stressed, angry and inaccurate when travelling by car, and things are not made easier by the unnecessary victimisation of the poor car owner. It seems that we are now under attack for even the most minor indiscretions, such as driving the wrong way up a one way street. Self-centred Richard Jarvis has been making a right fuss over a few drivers taking a short cut up Winstre Road, Borehamwood against the flow of traffic, despite the fact that the drivers were clearly in a rush to get to their destinations. He has sited concerns that there is a school up the road and cars pose a risk to children’s safety, but if the little scallywags aren’t looking where they are going or checking for speeding traffic coming the wrong way up the road, then they deserve everything they get as far as I am concerned. Mr Jarvis has become so embroiled in his petty vendetta against the motorist that he has taken to viciously writing down the date and time that he spots the minor indiscretions and handing over the data to the traffic fuzz. Grass.

Richard Jarvis: not a fan of motorists or lace-up shoes

If you think that’s bad, what do you reckon about the plight of the poor metal-encased, combustion-powered travellists in Croydon? Not only do the perpetually suffering unfortunates have to live in Croydon, but it appears that they are also being prevented from driving wherever they like. Croydon Bastard Council has made the frankly ridiculous decision to pedestrianise the busy market on Surrey Street from 5am to 8pm every day, even on Sundays when no stalls are out. Despite there being clear signage on both sides of the road to this affect, hundreds of distracted drivers are making the easy mistake of steering their automobiles down the road during the prohibited times and being slapped – not literally it must be assumed – with a whopping £65 fine. Madness. One such victim was displeased-looking Robert Vanson who raged, “I drove in from the bottom end by Church Street. I never saw the sign.” Who looks at street signs anyway? It later emerged that Croydon drivers have had virtually no warning of the car ban, with it only being advertised in the local press and on street signs, as well as Surrey Road being a motor vehicle free zone only since April 2000. Come on Croydon, give them a chance.

Mr Vanson has had to sell his shirt buttons to pay the fine

But this isn’t nearly as bad as the insidious goings-on in South Norwood. The local authority has decided to plonk a small bollard on the part of the road used by pedestrians in order to stop large vehicles getting too close to a local pub. That is the official line, anyway, but it appears that it is part of an underhand scheme to remove cars from the road, as literally dozens of preoccupied drivers have been crashing into it.

Local businessman Richard Hough has become so concerned about the evil bollard that he has taken to standing beside it with his mouth open to warn unwitting drivers

Worryingly civilians are not the only victims of the dastardly street furniture, there are reports that the police have collided with it too.

And if the police, with their peerless driving skills, are being caught out, what chance do the rest of us have?