Your Guide to Public Toilet Enjoyment in the Capital

Ruislip Lido in the north west of London has always been a great location for a pleasant day out for Londoners. It has a sense of ‘getting away from it all’ with its agreeable rural-feeling backdrop and large expanse of water supporting many kinds of wildlife. Locals and visitors alike have long been able to enjoy a number of activities, such as simply relaxing by the reservoir, swimming, boating, enjoying the thrills and spills that the Ruislip Lido Railway has to offer, feeding the ducks and, of course, indulging in lewd behaviour in the public toilets. But it appears that the last of these pleasing weekend activities is shockingly now under threat. Local killjoys have contacted Hillingdon Council in an attempt to put a stop to resident lewd behaviourists behaving lewdly in the public toilets next to the woodland centre in Reservoir Road.

The public toilet rudeness enthusiasts have even been branded sex pests in a smear campaign by the local press. The toilets in question have been a favourite with exhibitionists, gentlemen’s gentlemen, voyeurs, solicitationers, doggers, catters, suckers, lickers, fisters, feltchers, rimmists, nipplists, mustachios, pistachios, lotharios, chinos, solos, bummers, strummers, cummers, thumbers, bandits, handits, transits, intersexualists and priests for many years, but it now seems that these public convenience specialists will be forced to find an alternative venue in which to carry out their myriad adult activities. The location was particularly convenient as it was located near to The Water’s Edge public house, so hobbyists could pop in for a pint, nip out to the public facilities to indulge in their preferred adult leisure pursuit, wash their hands (hopefully), then return to the pub for a game of darts and a conversation about the Premier League or what a twat that Cameron is.

With the growing bigotry towards public convenience enjoyment, restroom aficionados are being forced to cast their net wide in order to find suitable locations in which to socialise. But with the help of the internet all is certainly not lost for the gentleman about town. In fact a simple search on VisitLondon dot com shows that there are many lavatories in London in which one may make friends, and further investigation rewards you with the knowledge that Boris has been making it even easier with his aptly named Open London scheme, which he introduced in 2009 as part of his “commitment to improve the quality of life in London for visitors and those who live and work in the city”. Nice one Boris.

Of course, with London being such an expensive city a WC socialiser may have to pay up to 40p to relax with a young friend surrounded by the smell of excrement, but help is at hand with this very helpful guide on About dot com which informs the public privy fan where he can find facilities for which he will not have to pay. Suggestions include the facilities in St James’s Park for those who just have to have the public recreation ground ambiance in order to get off; and the London Eye ticket hall has toilets which, according to the author, are not “particularly clean” but “do have those fun Dyson hand driers.” The author goes on to recommend the facility at the top of Carnaby Street which is, apparently, “a great place for people watching.” She really has done her research.

  

But for the lavatory socialiser who finds public toilets not public enough there really is only one place to visit.