Sex Mad Londoners Are Sex Mad

Sex. It seems like everyone’s at it, whether it’s missionary, doggy-style, or…um…any of the other ones, everyone likes sex. I tried it myself once, but I found it to be awkward, messy, extremely brief and I couldn’t find one of my socks afterwards. And I missed the first seven minutes of Countryfile, which rendered the rest of the program unwatchable as I couldn’t follow the plot after that (something about changes in farming practices over the last century and how this has affected the landscape). Needless to say, I won’t be doing that again, but I don’t mind other if people want to.

It appears, however, that Londoners can’t get enough of it, especially those that only do it by themselves. Not content with the various erotic delights that can apparently be found on the internet, compulsive toggle-tugger Nicholas Holt, 41, from Romford made a habit of filming up the skirts of unsuspecting tube passengers until he was caught in the act at Tottenham Court Road Station. At the time of his arrest police discovered two up-skirt videos on his phone, while a subsequent search of his house uncovered a further 128 videos on hard disks. Holt managed to avoid a prison sentence by telling the judge that he was a sex addict. The sentence was made more lenient by the fact that Holt works with computers and so is unlikely to ever come into contact with a lady’s undergarments in real life.

But even the police themselves are so obsessed with erotic physical pleasures they are not keeping their minds on the job, so to speak. Undercover cop Mark Kennedy admitted to inserting himself into two women suspects during a prolonged police investigation. The randy officer’s antics have drawn complaints from the women he was involved with, but Kennedy was unrepentant, insisting that during the operation his superiors “knew his every move.”

Mark Kennedy displays the expression of a man who takes satisfaction in a job well done

Is it any wonder that so many people in the capital are so obsessed with physical relations, when sexual images are all around us, even at a tender age? One branch of Waterstones in Croydon was recently caught actively promoting lewd reading material to youngsters. Fortunately Caroline Ashlee, a local mother and anti-sexualist, was on hand to be outraged after she found an unsuitable book being displayed in the children’s section of the bookshop. Having flicked through the book to discover a graphically described sex scene, Mrs Ashlee was highly displeased. "What I find upsetting is I don't think teenagers go looking for that sort of thing and then they have it forced upon them without any warning,” she naively blurted, clearly never having met a teenager before. When asked exactly how graphic the scene that Mrs Ashlee, mother of six, stood and read in its entirety was, she replied, "It was very graphic. I won't be able to look at a Colgate toothpaste dispenser in the same way again.” She then stormed out of the shop in disgust clutching the copy of Fifty Shades of Grey that she had purchased earlier, stopping only to retrieve a tube of Colgate toothpaste that had fallen from her bag.   

She looks delighted but perhaps she should have saved a bit for her teeth

But if, like me, you want to enjoy the intellectual and artistic aspects of life rather than obsessing over the erotic and physical, why not visit the Tate gallery where this year’s Turner Prize nominees are currently being displayed?