London Housing: Grab Yourself a Bargain

London is a crowded place. Last year I undertook a project to count everyone in the capital, and after seven weeks of mostly hard work I came up with the figure 8,174,100 which I later verified on Google so I knew that I hadn’t wasted my time. Furthermore, its population is growing all the time, and after extensive research involving pie charts, bar charts and tables containing lots of numbers, I can confidently predict that by 2020 London’s population will have increased by a considerable amount. Yes, it puts it all into perspective, doesn’t it?

It is not really surprising that London is such a draw for people who live in other parts of the world. London is without doubt one of the greatest cities in the world with its vibrant clubbing scene; a wealth of historic places of interest; a huge number of places to eat, including a seemingly endless supply of fried chicken shops; safe, clean networks of streets in which to make your way about; a fantastic transport system ensuring that everyone arrives at their destination on time feeling refreshed and unmugged; and, of course, tuberculosis.

Thrilled South London residents enjoy the feeling of community that you just don’t get in other parts of the country

But all of the benefits to living in the capital come at a price – and that price is money. Whereas prices of homes in the country as a whole have fallen by around 20 per cent since the beginning of the credit crunch, prices in London have remained fairly static and have even risen in some areas. Indeed, the average house price in London is nearly 30 times that of somewhere a bit, you know, Northern like Hull or Ipswich.

So with London being so crowded and expensive it is hardly surprising that sacrifices have to be made when buying a house, but that doesn’t mean that suitable abodes are not to be had. For instance, if you want to live in Knightsbridge and you have £85,000 lying around then you can pick up a compact bargain just opposite Harrods. The entire property is a petite but comfortable 10’4 x 8’4, but this does have the advantage of allowing the owner to cook dinner, watch the TV, clean his teeth, kick the dog and defecate simultaneously, saving precious time.

Too central? Then how about a property in Erith that comes with a 285 foot wind turbine right outside the house. The current resident Graham Saunders was delighted to discover the attractive feature had popped up outside his abode last week. “We didn’t exactly have a skyline to begin with but now all we have is a wind turbine,” he enthused before explaining excitedly, “If we want to sell the house and prospective buyers come round to view it, the first thing they will notice is the giant wind turbine outside.” Great. And the good news is that you may be able to grab such a house at a bargain price, as apparently views of 285 foot wind turbines from the bedroom are not to everyone’s taste.

If that doesn’t float your boat how about spending your evenings relaxing in some public toilets? I don’t on this occasion mean in this way, I mean why not move into one? While not strictly in Greater London, Ewell Village has good transport links into the city, including the bus stop outside of the property where old folk get off expecting to go for a piss. What more could you want from a first home?

Even adolescent pop shagger Harry Stiles has had to make a small sacrifice to live in a desirable London location. So desperate was Stiles to live on the edge of Hampstead Heath that he bought a £3 million property that is actually haunted by Dick Turpin. The apparition is not, however, the only Dick to be found popping up from nowhere in the Hampstead Heath area after nightfall.

Sorry.